Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
