after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
