yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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