i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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