I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
