i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
