at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
