my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
