My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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