Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
