I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
