Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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