The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
