woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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