I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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