I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
