I just threw up on my dentist
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
