this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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