yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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