Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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