i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize