OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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