Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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