You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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