Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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