She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
