my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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