I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
they need to just BURY HIM!
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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