I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Randomize
