Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize