I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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