If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
