My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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