Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
