Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
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