Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
