I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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