Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
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