Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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