On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
