Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
