foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
