Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
