mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
