no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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