Got a toothbrush?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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