that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
