dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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