you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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