oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
