And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
