I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
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