I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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