I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize