I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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