Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
