I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
