I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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