I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
