don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
ugly people sure do ruin things
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
