I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He has the fingertips of a God
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
