You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
