it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize