I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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